


This Is A Story About Vulcan Jizz, And How You Shouldn't Program It Into The Replicator, No Matter How Delicious It Is

by Ineffabilitea



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Come, Community: st_xi_kink, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-10-31
Updated: 2009-10-31
Packaged: 2017-10-11 06:03:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/109192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ineffabilitea/pseuds/Ineffabilitea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Originally posted <a href="http://community.livejournal.com/st_xi_kink/1886.html?thread=2850398#t2850398">here</a> for the prompt "SLIGHTLY GROSS? I DON'T KNOW. Vulcan ejaculate is coppery, sweet, and - Kirk is ashamed to say it - kind of really delicious. Kirk gets a little obsessed with the taste, even though oh God that is totally gross in so many ways, and starts to crave it at really inopportune times. In this universe, the replicator has been on board the Enterprise since long before Picard, so, naturally, Kirk asks the replicator for a... very... particular beverage. Yeah, really good idea, there, Kirk.</p><p>a) Someone walks in on him asking for a big heaping mug of Vulcan jizz (McCoy or Uhura plz plz plz)<br/>b) The replicator gets broken due to some bullshit science of your choosing and can ONLY make Vulcan jizz, much to the annoyance and confusion of the crew<br/>c) All of the above."</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Is A Story About Vulcan Jizz, And How You Shouldn't Program It Into The Replicator, No Matter How Delicious It Is

Jim's heard a lot of jokes about his being an insatiable slut - hell, he's made a lot of those jokes - but even he knows that what he's just done takes insatiable to another level entirely.

But of all the aliens he's ever tasted, it'd of course be Spock who's fucking addictive, practically. Jim loves the tang of his saliva when they kiss, the savor of the barely-there sweat as Jim mouths at his collarbones when they fuck, but more than all that he goddamn loves his come, strangely coppery and sweet on his tongue as he swallows it down.

This is worse than when he was six and would only eat one meal - fried chicken, peas and a Twinkie - three times a day for six months. He wants more delicious Vulcan come than he can convince Spock to give him, even, and he's pretty damn convincing.

And so that's why he just finished reprogramming the replicator in his cabin to produce Vulcan ejaculate for him, an endeavor which took not only hours of code-tweaking but also required him to obtain a sample for chemical analysis without Spock's knowledge. But it's worth the effort when he takes his first gulp, after carefully checking to be sure his privacy lock is fully engaged. This would be hard to explain to Spock, after all, so it'll stay Jim's own little secret.

***

There are only a dozen replicators on the whole ship, as they're cutting edge experimental technology. Only the Captain's quarters are equipped with one; the rest are in the forward mess. Jim had very carefully programmed his new craving into only his own replicator.

Or so he had thought.

Later, Scotty would shame-facedly explain that he'd merely cross-checked and correlated the two replicator databases with each other and Starfleet's latest update so as to ensure that both crew and captain had access to the latest "recipes" available.

But right now, all Jim knows is that he's in the forward mess, and Chekov's offering him a taste of the new Vulcan beverage that came with the latest replicator updates. He figures he'll give it a try, because Spock'll probably want him to try it eventually anyway, but then he gets one whiff and knows what it actually is before he can even choke down the sip he's taken.

He's stunned into silence, but Chekov probably thinks he's evaluating the taste and then-

Then Uhura sits down and Chekov offers her a taste, too, and before Jim can scream "No!" or accidentally knock over the mug or do much more than turn bright red, she's taken a sip, too.

She knows what it is, all right, and now she's staring at him in horror and he's staring at her in horror and maybe some shame mixed in and figuring his day can't get any worse.

Which is, of course, when Spock walks in and joins them. And Chekov (as Jim makes a note to assign the reprogramming of the replicators to the overenthusiastic Russian ensign) offers him a sample, too.

This time Jim does manage to shout "No!" and so does Uhura, but since Spock has a pretty keen sense of smell and good eyesight, it's already too late. Jim finally knows what a Vulcan looks like when horrified (while not simultaneously grief-stricken).

Maybe someday they'll look back on this and laugh. Well, laugh and raise an amused eyebrow.

Jim's pretty sure that given enough time, he can convince Spock it's logical to be flattered by the whole thing.


End file.
